Groin Pains

Dear Flavia,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. The sex has completely changed from multiple times a day to maybe once a week. Now when we do have sex, he just wants to do it in the shower. I’ve been catching him masturbate to porn. Is this cheating? He’s a great guy but I’d like to have more sex! Why isn’t he getting off to me? Telling him my concern hasn’t been working. Sex is just uncomfortable now. What to do.

Flavia Francesquini

Dear Boyfriend,

We hear about the 7 year itch quite a bit but there is no scientific reasoning behind it aside from the fact that it seems to be when things begin to get boring between two people who have been looking at each other everyday for what starts to feel like a damn long time!

You say that talking to him doesn’t seem to be working but I can’t really advise you to club him and drag him into your cave so, I suggest that you keep on trying to communicate. Sex can be a delicate subject and one that a lot of guys would rather not talk about unless they are getting great reviews. Perhaps changing your approach will make communication a little less painful. Starting your sentences with “I” is an old therapy trick that works surprisingly well.

Instead of saying “you never have sex with me anymore” try “I miss the way your touch makes me feel when I wake up in the morning”. You can replace “your behavior makes me wonder if you are having an affair” with “I feel insecure when I am not sure how you are feeling about our relationship”.

You get the drift... putting the burden of the statement on ourselves will keep him from becoming defensive. It also helps to resist the urge to approach a subject when you are feeling angry or resentful about it so you may want to wait until you are actually having a good time together.

Try to start a conversation next time you are taking a walk on the beach or going for a nice drive, when you are both in a good mood, there are no interruptions and you have time to talk. Turn off your phones, ask direct open-ended questions and then do the hardest part:

Listen.